Alas, the Cup runneth over

Once every four years, people from all over the world, irrespective of nationality, race, religion, or cup-size, come together in a heady mix of music, face-painting and beer to enjoy watching grown men wearing shorts sob uncontrollably. Yes, it’s the FIFA World Cup! And now it’s nearly over!

Before you read the rest of this post, let me warn you that I am not, and have never been remotely close to being, a professional football player. I was, however, quite the success as goalkeeper during P.T. periods in school. I loved the position, not only because of the immense importance it had to the team, but also because it afforded me the free time and ideal location to ‘analyse’ the volleyball game being played by the girls in the neighbouring court. Now, volleyball, that is a sport with all the right ideas. They even have a beach version. Unbelievable.

But I digress, this post is about the FIFA World Cup, the most depressing sporting spectacle in the world. Now whether it’s through the marked decrease in brain activity from listening to inane commentary, the steady accumulation of fat in the bum area from lounging on the couch and drinking all day, the psychological trauma from alienating all your loved ones in favour of a television set, or all of the above, the World Cup does not fail to bring sadness into lives all over the world. Why is this? Let’s look at the hard facts: 32 teams take part and only 1 can win it – the odds are ALWAYS against one fan feeling happy at the end of the tournament. So, at the end of the month, most of them are going to be fatter, dumber and lonelier while also hurting from bitter defeat. It’s a no-win scenario. Yet, millions and millions of people all over the world tune in with hope everytime. Why? The answer is simple. We’re idiots.

Haha, just kidding. The reason notwithstanding, everyone in the civilized world, even people who are not football fans, even those who are technically deceased, even WOMEN, cannot take their eyes off the screen during the world cup month. Even if it’s a mind-numbingly boring contest between two countries so unfamiliar that they might have created by J.K. Rowling, it simply has to be watched. We just don’t seem to have a choice. It’s the bleeding WORLD CUP, innit?! And we love it!! Yes, really we do!

And now it’s nearly over. This year’s tournament in South Africa has been widely considered a grand success, both in terms of viewership and global depression. It allowed us to celebrate the likes of tiny Slovenia, who, despite having only 429 proper footballers, have now made it to two different World Cups. This also helped us view in its proper light the achievements of England, who have made it to 13 editions without a single proper footballer.

Considering that it was the first time the tournament was being held in Africa, the continent’s teams were expected to do really well. However, they didn’t, possibly because expectations from an entire continent piled immense pressure on their shoulders but mainly because they were in fact, a bit shit. Their tactics left a lot to be desired, too. Nigerian team captain Joseph Yobo, for example, sent an e-mail to FIFA’s president Sepp Blatter about the fact that the Nigerian F.A. was holding back the players’ wages until they won the World Cup and that if FIFA could kindly lend them the trophy for a few days, they could then collect their wages and deposit 10% of it into FIFA’s accounts.

The South American teams started out really well, with Uruguay (a.k.a Paraguay), a country most famous for sporting a smiley face on its national flag, was the best performer. They tried to recreate their form from 1930 and 1950, when they won the damn thing, but unfortunately for them, there were other countries taking part this time. They lost in the semi-finals, along with Germany. Die Mannschaft, as the team is known, was missing a Ballack, but certainly didn’t lack for penetration, In the end, they just didn’t have the spunk to complete the job.

The two teams that did manage to get through the semi-finals – Spain and the Netherlands, will now fight it out this evening for the biggest trophy in world football and no matter who wins, one thing is certain – a lot of beer will be sold.

For the first time since 1978, the final features two teams that have never won the tournament but unlike Spain, the Netherlands have been in the final twice before, suffering traumatic defeats each time. They were tense and nervous in those games, and have been short on confidence ever since. They claim to have overcome that problem this time though, mostly with a lot of weed and spacecakes.

Spain, on the other hand, are having the best time of their footballing history, having won the European Championships two years ago. Their primary tactic is to get the ball, pass, pass, pass and then pass it some more without ever threatening to score until their opponents, bored to death just fall down on the pitch fast asleep. At this point, Spain pass the ball around some more and give it to star striker Fernando Torres, who misses the goal with his shot. Thankfully the referee is fast asleep too, so deadly finisher David Villa just picks up the ball, places it inside the goal and then wakes him up. The only game they’ve lost so far in the tournament was to Switzerland, which is the only team more boring.

I don’t know about you but I will be supporting the Netherlands this evening. For a number of reasons, (a) my favourite ever player, Dennis Bergkamp, was Dutch, and (b) they wear orange, how can anyone hate a team that wears orange.

Above all, the Netherlands is a magical place that I have extremely fond memories of. This is because, when I recently went to Amsterdam, virtually every single person I came across tried to sell me drugs or sex. That’s an admirable attitude to life, I feel. And exactly what the World Cup should celebrate. Plus, they have lovely canals, great big windmills, lots and lots of colourful flowers and no one seems to ever be doing any proper work. Also, they snitched on that annoyingly preachy Anne Frank and gave her up to the Nazis. What a wonderful, wonderful country.

Spain will probably win tonight, and bore us to death in the process, but the Dutch, simply by being Dutch, have already won at life. I want them to have the World Cup as well, just because they want it so much, and it’ll make them really happy. So HUP HOLLAND HUP! GO ORANJE!