One of the mistakes of my life?

Whenever I tell people I’m a research analyst in an equity research firm, they always react the same way: “Oh boy! That sounds really complicated, and tremendously boring!” And I tell them they’re right. It is all of that, except I prefer to describe it the way I do on my resume – challenging. On a typical office day, I’m sitting at my desk, in my cubicle, staring intently at my monitor and trying to solve important problems, such as: “Is that really the current worth of my portfolio? #$%@!” and “How the hell can I beat Australia in this stick cricket game?”

This is immensely challenging work, and I feel I’m grossly underpaid for doing it. Plus, with the Indian stock market behaving the way it has been this year, I really could use a little extra money. So I’ve decided to write a best-selling novel.

I’ve wanted to write a book ever since I was eleven, when I read Nancy Friday’s soul-stirring ‘Women on Top’. However, I haven’t seriously considered it until now, mainly because, deep down, I’ve always known that I’d never be as good a writer as any of those women. But recently, after reading about how Chetan Bhagat’s books sell 10 gazillion copies every minute, I’ve realized that a chronic inability to write well, make sense and positively impact the emotions of your readers is no longer a road block to becoming a successful novelist.

My book will be targeted at the youth of India, because the old can’t read any more and the little ones prefer Nickelodeon. It’s titled ‘One Night @ The Staff Quarters, Who Not To Do at IIM’, and it’s guaranteed to sell at least 44 billion copies, because I’m hoping all the IIM alumni, current students and aspirants buy it. I never went to an IIM myself, but I don’t see how that makes a difference to anything. Tolkien never battled any Orcs.

I also realize that the key to the success of my novel is word-of-mouth publicity. I don’t know what that word is yet, but I’m desperately hoping to figure it out by the time I’m done. Here’s what I have so far:

Chapter One

Hi, my name is Karan Malhotra. I’m an average guy. Not mean, but average. I have no outstanding qualities whatsoever. I’m neither a complete loser like my best friend Jimmy Cliff nor an uber-cool stud with an attitude problem like my other best friend Jalaluddin Akbar. In short, I am average. The three of us are the best of friends and, by some weird coincidence, named after the lead male characters in the last three Bollywood movies our author saw. All three of us are students at the greatest b-school in the world.

Now, the three of us will have some typical Indian Youth-y conversation.

Chapter Two

“Hi! Are you students here?” said the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She was extremely pretty, and all three of us could immediately sense that she would be the lead female character in this novel.

“My name is Sophia,” she said.

I was in love. It felt like destiny that we should meet. I know I don’t know her all that well yet, but time is of the essence. There are only so many pages that can be printed for Rs. 95.

“Get inside the class! I’m your Management Accounting teacher,” she said, “and you have a surprise test right now.”

“Holy Cow!!” Akbar exclaimed, looking at me. “This is going to be a very big problem when you two have sex in Chapter 15!”

Chapter Seven

“This is incredible!!” exclaimed Jimmy. “I just cannot believe it! Just cannot!” he added, because most of India’s youth don’t know the meaning of ‘incredible’.

“What’s incredible?” asked Sophia. “The fact that in spite of being your teacher and possessing ravishing beauty, I still choose to always hang out with you idiots?”

“That’s a good point, but not what Jimmy was referring to,” said Akbar, because being best friends, the three of us always knew exactly what each other meant to say. It’s like an unspoken bond that goes unsaid.

“What is it, then?” asked Sophia, her beautiful face contorted with excitement and curiosity, which made her cuter in my hopelessly lovelorn eyes.

“The fact that after six inane chapters, people are still reading this piece of shit,” I completed.

Chapter Fifteen

“IT’S FINALLY HERE!!!” I yelled, “The part we’ve all been waiting for!! WOO HOO!!”

“You mean the part YOU have been waiting for?” said Jimmy, frowning at me with hatred, “We’re going to be stuck in our rooms, mugging for tomorrow’s mid-term.”

“Yeah, what do we have to gain from this chapter??” added Akbar, “we hardly even figure in it. It’s always only about you, Karan, isn’t it?”

“Guys,” I paused for dramatic effect. “Is this the part in the story where tension drives us apart for a while?”

“My God, this book is lame…” said Jimmy.

Just then, the earthquake struck.

Chapter Sixteen

“That was too close for comfort!” remarked Sophia. “Fortunately, the quake didn’t prevent us from having sex.’”

“Yeah, and the Academic Block got destroyed too. So I won’t have my mid-terms tomorrow! This quake was a God send!!”

To my surprise, Sophia looked surprised, “Yeah, but what about Akbar? He was injured in the quake, wasn’t he? Aren’t you worried about him?”

“Not until the next chapter,” I replied.

Chapter Eighteen

Now that the intercourse was over, I missed my two best friends. And when I found out, from other people, that Akbar still hadn’t been discharged from the hospital, I started getting worried.

That’s all I have so far. I’m itching to finish it, but with no publishing advance in sight yet, I can only work part-time for the time being. And there is plenty of challenging work to be done in the office. The market may be up today, but Australia is not going to beat itself, you know.